Gag Order

    Okay, I?m sorry. I know it?s been a while since I wrote a blog entry, but there has been a lot of going ons happening. We had a loss in the family, our computer blew up, and I just had cataract surgery and could not read the computer screen for about two weeks.

    Cataract surgery is actually what I was wanting to blog to you about. I am writing you using my reading glasses and after I am done I will take them off and go about my business. That?s right! I don?t have to wear glasses all the time anymore. This is the first time I haven?t had to wear glasses all the time since I was five years old. I have been wearing glasses on a regular basis for 26 years of my life. It is still weird to look in a mirror and notice that I?m not wearing my specs. I used to think of my glasses as part of my identity. I don?t think I look quite right without my glasses. I actually think I look a bit meaner. My glasses gave me a pleasant look. They gave me a look that said, ?Hey, I?m smart and nice and I don?t want to get in to a fight, so don?t give me any trouble. Okay?? Now, when I look in the mirror, I see, ?I don?t give a shit what you think of me. I?ll head butt your ass because I don?t have any dorky glasses to break if you cause me trouble. I?ll knock you unconscious, I might have to put on my reading glasses to read your medical alert bracelet, but that?s it. Jerk!?, kind of vibe about myself. I think I like that look. Cool thing is I don?t have to wear glasses all the time, but to see things pristine, I will have have to get a pair of glasses in the couple of weeks. So, I can have the best of both worlds.

     I wanted to tell about the surgery itself. I had my cataract removed from my right eye and then, one week later, I had my left eye done. The way they used to perform cataract surgery is they would carefully slice away at the cataract on your cornea until it was gone or almost gone to the point you could deal with this. The problem with this method is that the cataract might show back up and\or they might cut too far into the cornea and change your vision completely. You could go from being very near sighted to being very far sighted or vice versa. Well, times, they are a changin?. Now, they simply remove your cornea with the cataract on it and replace it with a man made one. And since they are making you a new cornea in the first place, they can improve your vision by reshaping your new cornea. For example, before the surgery, I could see 20/50 with both of my eyes with my glasses. Now, just two days after the second surgery, I can see 20/40 without glasses, and my eyes should keep improving for the next couple of weeks. So, with a little help from glasses, I could see 20/20! Pretty cool huh?

    Well, I know some of you are wondering. Yes, I was awake for the surgeries. They put you in a waking sleep. You can hear what is going on, but you don?t see anything. They cover up your whole face except for the eye being operated on at the the time. The surgery goes a little bit like this (as explained to me by my doctor), ?What we are going to do is make a tiny incision of just 2.2 mm in the eye. We then carefully slide out your old cornea. We then, through a tiny incision, gently slide in your new cornea and carefully reposition it in your eye. We then seal up the incision using a laser. All the time, we will be keeping the eye hydrated with water.?

    This sounds like a pretty delicate operation. This sounds like an operation of precision and care, right? Well, below I have a link to an actual modern day cataract surgery operation I found on youtube. If you are squeamish in any sense, I wouldn?t watch it, but if you are not, check it out. At least watch the first couple of moments of the surgery. Okay, here it is. Watch it and come back.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NKhffaQ8BnU

     Okay, you back? Go back and read the explanation of the surgery and see if that matches up with what you just saw. I don?t think I remember the doctor saying anything about taking a tiny spear and jabbing it in my eye! Also, the way they get rid of your old cornea is they go through that tiny incision and crush your old cornea and then suck it out! It looks like they are chopping and poking at your eye with total reckless abandon! There is nothing careful or precise about it! Eye surgeons are sick! You?re sick! These are the type of people who used to like to poke dead animals when they were kids! Gross! That happened to my eyes! My freakin? eyes!

  Thanks, Dr. Verm. Seriously, Thanks.